It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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