life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
