i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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