I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
