Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The Olympian is in my bed
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
