i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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