Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
