so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
