I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
