What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
