Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
