I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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