i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
