i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
