You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Randomize
