I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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