sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There's always time for handjobs
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
