very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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