im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
