Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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