I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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