Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
