she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
