should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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