I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
