If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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