i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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