I just threw up on my dentist
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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