Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This baby is an asshole
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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