If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
