After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
