one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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