Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
