Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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