I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
we're so committed to being not committed
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
