I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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