I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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