i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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