apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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