i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
