I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
