So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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