I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
