Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
