You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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