am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
