I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
