hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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