You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
