My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
