my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
