Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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