He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
